


What's Meant To Be

by Quatre-sama (Lisafer)



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: F/M, M/M, Romance, Self-Discovery, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 06:05:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisafer/pseuds/Quatre-sama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set six years after Endless Waltz, Quatre and Trowa are reunited for Heero's upcoming wedding.  And things are... different. Duo finds out bits about Heero's past that are unsettling, and Quatre has to help him come to terms with it while working through his own issues.</p><p>(originally written in 2000)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's Meant To Be

I stood outside the parliamentary building with Duo and WuFei, wishing I'd thought to bring a jacket. It was only September, but the evenings were already becoming chilly.

"What time is it?" I asked WuFei.

"Twenty minutes after eight," he answered. "Yuy said he'd be here at eight-thirty."

Ten minutes? I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. I hoped he would be early.

“I wonder what this is about," Duo sighed. We'd been asked to meet him because he had important news—but he hadn't given us a clue.

Things had changed a lot over the past four years, since the war ended. Heero was the Secretary of the Interior, in charge of internal security for the World Nation and Colonial Alliance. He seemed to enjoy his political life, too, despite the media rumors that surrounded him whenever he was seen with Relena. They'd been together since the last uprising. We didn't see much of him socially, though. 

Normally we kept in touch through Relena. WuFei was an ambassador, representing the L5 cluster. I had been made the Minister of Defense three years before. Duo was the head of the Imperial Guard. So we saw Relena on a regular basis, since she had finally accepted the role of the imperial representative for the Alliance, and that kept us informed of Heero's well-being and whereabouts. 

Trowa, on the other hand, had not been to earth in three years. He'd joined the Preventers temporarily, and then went back to the circus for a while. After that we heard nothing of him. I sometimes suspected that Heero had kept contact with him, but there was no evidence either way. The last time I'd seen Trowa was when I moved into my apartment after joining Relena's cabinet—we moved my stuff to the new place together. It was the last time the five of us had spent time in the same room. We all missed him, when the rest of us got together, but I hadn't really paid much attention to his whereabouts. We'd grown apart. Sometimes I missed the close friendship we'd shared so long ago, but in his absence I was able to forge even stronger relationships with WuFei and Duo. Duo had become my very best friend, and WuFei was our number one drinking buddy.

"What time is it now?" Duo whined to WuFei, shivering in the cold. Like me, he apparently hadn't considered bringing a jacket.

"It's eight-twenty-two," WuFei stated with a glare. He tossed Duo his sweatshirt. 

"Thanks." Duo graced him with a lopsided grin.

We'd all changed a lot, both mentally and physically. Though Duo was still as talkative as ever, he had become more mature and more sensitive over the years. And he had grown at least twenty-two centimeters, dwarfing the rest of us. Most of his free time was spent at clubs, searching for new meaningless relationships, or with WuFei or me, trying to recover from his most recent bout of lovesickness. WuFei had become a lot less serious—he had finally let go of the ghosts of his childhood. He would never be as rambunctious as Duo, but he was certainly a lot of fun to be with. Physically he hadn’t changed much. He wasn't very tall, and he hadn't put on a whole lot of weight, either. He was still heavier than me, though. I hadn't changed much either, physically, except perhaps the hair, which I now wore longer, and pulled back into a loose ponytail. Maybe it was evidence of the influence Duo and WuFei had over me. My personality, I'm sure, was much altered during the six-year span since we’d met. I felt more carefree than I had in years, and I was finally happy with my job. Being a defense minister was a lot better for me than being a soldier.

"Trowa!" Duo's cry cut through my thoughts. I looked up to see Trowa walking toward us with Heero and Relena.

I was startled by his appearance; my breath caught in my throat. It’d been so very long since we’d last met. He looked different, yet so similar. His face, his eyes, his hair were all the same. He was taller, broader. And he walked with a new sort of confidence. I wondered if he, like WuFei, had managed to finally get rid of the demons of his past.

Duo ran to him, giving him an over-ecstatic hug. WuFei and I were more reserved. 

"When did you arrive? How long will you be here? How was your trip?" Duo was bombarding him with questions. 

Trowa laughed—a rare occurrence. "I landed four days ago, I don't know how long, and my trip was great."

WuFei looked confused. "What are you going to do while you’re here? Is this a vacation?"

"Not exactly. I’m doing the same stuff I do everywhere—work on military machinery or any other mechanical things." I'd forgotten what a mechanical genius Trowa was. He was always the one who would rather spend time rummaging through the innards of a mobile suit than at any political function.

I couldn't say half of the things I wanted to say. I wanted to ask about Catherine, life in the colonies, where he'd be staying—but I was rendered speechless by a strange sensation, almost a fluttering in my stomach that hadn't been present for years. At one time, it dominated my interactions with him, but that had been ages ago; I’d thought it was gone for good. Once I recognized the familiar feeling, I fought to suppress it, as I had for as long as I'd known him.

"So what's this meeting about?" I asked Heero, concentrating on him instead.

"A new mission?" Duo joked.

Heero smiled and shook his head. "Actually, I wanted to tell you all that I'm resigning from my post—in fact, I'm leaving the political arena altogether."

"What?" WuFei's eyes were wide with amazement. I'm sure they mirrored my own.

Relena nodded, leaning closer to Heero. "We realized that it wouldn't sit well with the people if I married one of my cabinet members."

"Marry?" Duo's voice cracked. His violet-blue eyes were wide with surprise. 

"Yes," Heero answered, grinning for what could possibly be the first time of his life.

"When? Have you set a date?" I asked.

"We're not sure," Relena said. "Since it has to be an world-wide event, we must plan it carefully so it doesn't conflict with anything. But we're kind of hoping for April."

"So soon?" Duo had replaced his shock with a mask of happiness, but it wasn’t perfect. I wondered if Heero could still read Duo's expressions as easily as he once had. 

"Not soon enough," Heero murmured, pulling Relena closer to his side. 

I watched Duo closely, wondering how much he still cared for Heero. He hadn't really said anything for a while now, but he wasn't exactly the type of person who could toss his feelings aside. 

I noticed that WuFei seemed to be doing the exact same thing. He shook his head suddenly, as if he was trying to expel the subject from his mind. "We should go celebrate," he said, after congratulating Heero and Relena.

"Yeah," Trowa agreed.

Duo rubbed his stomach. “I could go for some food!”

"There's a great place just down the street," Relena suggested. "We can walk, since it's so nice out."

"Lead the way," I said with a sigh. I definitely should've brought a jacket. I walked behind Duo, letting him block the wind.

We headed down toward the street, but we were stopped by Lucrezia Noin's voice. 

"Relena! Wait!" She shouted, running down the steps to catch up with us. "There's been an emergency—you need to come quickly!"

“Is it my brother?” Relena’s eyes grew wide.

Noin smiled gently. “He’s fine—it’s not that kind of emergency. We really do need you, though.”

Relena turned to the five of us, her eyes apologetic. "I'm really sorry—you go ahead without me."

Heero shook his head. "No, we can wait, or I'll—"

"Yes," she insisted. "Go have fun with your friends. I'll call you as soon as I can get free." She kissed him quickly and followed Noin back into the building.

"She'll be fine," Trowa said quietly to Heero.

“Ah, that's what you get for marrying a monarch," Duo sighed, shaking his head.

 

Two hours later we were still sitting in a corner booth at the restaurant, finishing our meals. Duo was already drunk—he’d probably had half a bottle of scotch before the meal came. Heero was too happy to be disturbed by him, either unaware of or ignoring the fact that Duo was clearly trying to get under his skin. After the fifteenth embarrassing Heero-story, WuFei and I shared concerned looks—we were both absolutely certain that Duo was upset about Heero.

"So, Heero," Duo slurred. "Are you gonna have lots o' babies and stuff?"

Heero smiled slightly. "I have to secure the line of succession. If Relena doesn't have an heir, then the throne goes to any kids Zechs may have."

WuFei snorted. "That's a picture I never thought I'd see--Yuy hanging out in a nursery with babies while his wife rules the world."

I laughed too. “Can you see old Zechs ever letting his guard down with Noin long enough to even suggest kids?”

Duo scooted closer to me, resting his arm on the back of my chair so he could twist my hair around his fingers. "And when are you gonna settle down, Quatre?" he asked softly. I could feel his breath tickling my ear. 

"Never," I said with a blush. It never failed—whenever Duo got drunk, he hit on every guy he saw, and I was usually the first victim. I couldn't begin to total the number of indecent propositions I'd received from him over the years.

I caught WuFei's eye and he wordlessly removed Duo's drink from the table. We were used to this kind of action from Duo, but when I glanced at Heero and Trowa, I could tell by their shocked expressions that they were not.

"Is Relena going to take your name, or keep Peacecraft?" Trowa asked, hurriedly shifting his eyes from Duo and me. 

Heero coughed. "Ah, we've decided that she's keeping Peacecraft, since the family has always had the throne and all. It would be a shame to change the royal family's name to one that isn't even originally mine. Our kids will be Peacecraft, too."

Trowa nodded silently, watching me again. Duo was still pressed awfully close to me. It was embarrassing. I wasn't aware of ever being this self-conscious about it. I pulled away slightly and Duo pouted. 

"Fine," he shifted away from me. "I'm gonna go get another drink." He made his way over to the bar.

"Damn, he's wasted," WuFei commented dryly, watching him walk away. "I thought he'd be over it by now."

"Over what?" Heero asked.

Trowa looked at me, his eyes widening. "You mean, he still—?"

I nodded.

"Yeah," WuFei sighed. "He still has it pretty bad for Heero." He glanced at me and I shrugged. As much as I cared about Duo, I'd never fully understood his infatuation. Six years was an awful long time to obsess over someone. But then again, it worked for Relena, right? Too bad that meant it’d never work for Duo.

I glanced at Heero. He was shaking his head in confusion. "But I thought—"

He was cut off by Duo's return. He had a drink in one hand and a slip of paper in the other. He sat too close to me, laughing.

"You see that guy at the bar?" he asked, leaning his forehead against my own. "I got his number." He waved a torn napkin under my nose.

"Here we go again," WuFei muttered. 

I took the napkin. "No, Duo," I said, my voice low. The last time he'd picked up a man while he was drunk it had led to so much trouble. I ripped the paper in half, throwing the pieces in the ashtray. Duo made a grab for them, but I blocked him. "Not this time," I growled.

Duo sat back, scowling at me. "You're so not fun."

"Does this happen often?" Heero asked, looking strangely at Duo and me.

"Often enough that it gets old," WuFei said with rolling eyes. "I can't stand it—luckily Quatre's patient, otherwise Duo would've been in deep shit years ago."

I listened silently, watching the other ex-pilots. It made me miss the years we spent together. I hated the fact that Heero and Trowa didn't know what Duo was like when he was drunk—that they hadn't been there through all the breakups, all the celebrations. Now that we five were together again, I began to feel uncomfortable—like Trowa and Heero didn't belong. 

"I don't feel good," Duo moaned, his head laying his head on the table, his long braid flipping into a bowl of sauce. 

"Do you want to take him home or should I?" WuFei asked.

"I've got him—don't worry," I said, standing. I pulled Duo up with me, supporting him with a steady arm around the waist. 

His head lolled backward and he stared up at me with his big violet-blue eyes. "Can I stay at your place this weekend, Quatre?"

"Sure, whatever," I answered, stepping away from the booth as I supported Duo. 

"Do you need any help?" Trowa had stood and was watching us with a strange expression. 

"No, really, I'm used to this." I tried to smile a thank you, but Duo fell toward me. "Congratulations on your engagement, Heero, and Trowa—welcome back. We've missed you." My eyes locked with Trowa's, and again I felt that old fluttery feeling. I shook my head, willing it away, and led Duo out of the restaurant.

 

"Never let me drink that much again," Duo said. "I've never been so hung over in my life."

It was Sunday night. After Duo woke up Saturday morning at my place, he'd vowed never to drink again. But that ended the same evening, when the two of us took to the bottle after several seriously depressing conversations. I’d found that I was more upset about the whole evening before than I had admitted. I hated drinking that much, but depression often made us do stupid things.

"WuFei's coming over," I said as I turned off the TV. "He wants to take you home. I think he wants to talk to you, too."

"Great," Duo muttered. "He'll give me some speech about how I embarrassed myself in front of Heero, and how it's worthless to pine after an engaged man."

I gave Duo a sidelong look. "You know, that's a good point."

Duo sighed. "Yeah, but it's a lot easier to think you're going to eventually give up on someone than actually do it. Hell, I've loved Heero for six years. I don't know how many times I tried to work up the nerve to tell him. But I guess it was pointless in the end, anyway. He really loves her."

"I think he does, too."

"And where does that leave me?" Duo asked, slouching back against the couch. "I guess you can't fight it if it's meant to be. No amount of will can change fate. I must be destined to live out my years alone."

For the hundredth time that weekend, I became angry at how unfair the world seemed to be. I didn't want Heero to break up with Relena or anything—I just wished that Duo could've at least confessed his feelings back when it could've made a difference. But then again, I asked myself, would his confession have been enough to make a difference? Obviously Heero wasn't gay; would Duo have been able to confess without a violent reaction?

Duo's eyes were closed and he looked peaceful. "Promise me you won't fight it."

"Fight what?" I asked.

"Fate. Or your feelings."

"It's too late for that," I said with a laugh. "I've been fighting my feelings for as long as I can remember."

"Six years?" Duo opened one eye, staring at me. "Really, Quatre, I've known you better than you know yourself. You had a crush on Trowa during the war. You were just afraid of being gay."

"Oh, come on!" I protested, mortified by the deep blush that warmed my cheeks. I didn't want to hear it. It was the same old argument, but with Trowa’s name instead of Duo’s. Frighteningly, this time it rang true. 

I was saved from thinking about it anymore by WuFei's knock on the door. I let him in, and Duo came into the foyer, wiping his eyes.

"You're still loaded?" WuFei asked incredulously, staring at Duo, then turning an accusing look toward me.

"No—he hasn't had anything since last night," I answered quickly. 

"Quatre cut me off," Duo sighed. He handed WuFei the sweatshirt from Friday night. "Thanks for letting me borrow it."

"No problem." WuFei smiled, tossing the shirt over his shoulder. "Let's get out of here. Quatre's probably sick of you by now."

They headed out the door, but Duo stopped abruptly, turning toward me. "Remember, Quatre. You shouldn't fight what's meant to be."

WuFei tossed me a strange glance before ushering Duo out. I guess I’d have to explain, sooner or later.

They left, and I closed the door behind them, leaning on it for a moment. Was Duo right? I didn't want to think about it, so I went back to the living room to clean up. Having Duo around always led to messes. There were empty food containers on the coffee table, empty cans of soda and beer. I grabbed as much as I could and threw it into the trash. Then I took all the sheets and blankets from the couch and put them in the bathroom hamper. Why would he be right this time, but wrong all the other times?

Then the phone rang. I pressed the "receive" button, but no picture appeared on the screen. "Hello?" I asked.

"Quatre." It was Trowa. He must've had his old cellular model. I wondered if he was traveling.

"Yes?"

"Is Duo still there?" he sounded impatient, maybe nervous.

"No," I answered. "He left with WuFei just a little while ago."

". . . "

"Did you want to talk to him?" I asked.

"No. . .yeah. Thanks anyway." He hung up.

I pressed a button and stared at the phone, wondering if it would ring again. I knew Trowa could be a little . . . enigmatic, but that was weird, even for him, but I reminded myself not to obsess.

I went back to my cleaning. Although I could've had a housekeeper, I'd opted to take care of myself for once. WuFei always said it was probably a backlash against my pampered childhood. But I actually liked cleaning sometimes. It was nice to become absorbed in an activity, without having to think about anything.

My peace was interrupted by a knock on the door. Had Duo forgotten something? Was it an official visit? I glanced down at my clothes—I was wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and a pair of grey shorts. I was barefoot. I prayed that it was only Duo or WuFei.

I opened the door to find Trowa, standing nervously in front of me with his cel phone clutched to his chest. His eyes were wide, and his breath seemed a little ragged. 

"Trowa!" I'm sure I looked as alarmed as him. I pulled him into my apartment and closed the door.

"I-I called on the way over," he said without looking at me. 

I offered to take his jacket—did he mean to stay for a while? He took it off quickly, and I noticed that his hands shook slightly. 

"Are you all right? Do you need anything?" I asked as I hung the jacket up in the closet. Trowa wasn't the type of person who'd arrive unannounced. I was worried. I ushered him into the living room.

He shook his head slightly, and looked around the room. "Your place looks nice. I don't remember it being this big." He relaxed a little. His breathing had become more normal.

"Thanks. It's kind of messy, though—sorry." I picked up the last few beer cans and took them to the kitchen.

"I never knew you were such a big drinker." Trowa's voice was quiet, but audible. 

"Only when I'm with Duo," I replied with a laugh. "But don't get the wrong idea—he's not a lush or anything. He’s just . . ." I didn’t want to go into Duo’s problems.

When I returned to the living room Trowa was sitting on the couch. He looked awful. I sat beside him.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yes. . . no—I guess." Never in my life had I seen him like this. "I need to talk. To you."

"Okay," I said timidly. 

"Well," he began, "Friday night, after you guys left, Heero and I spent a lot of time talking. We talked about Duo, and the past six years, and I realized some important things."

He stopped suddenly, taking a deep breath. "The thing is, Heero told me a long time ago that it's all right for humans to act according to their feelings. And I realized that I've been fighting my feelings for way too long."

Was I hearing this? Trowa was virtually a stranger to me now, and he wanted to talk about feelings? To me? The fluttery feeling returned with a vengeance, and I wanted a drink. What feelings had Trowa been fighting? Somehow it reminded me of Duo's words. "You can't fight what's meant to be," I murmured.

"Exactly." Trowa's eyes lit up and his lips formed a slight smile. I thought I'd made myself immune to it over the years—but somehow at that moment I felt a twinge of . . . something.

Trowa leaned closer, taking my hand in his; I gulped. "Quatre," his voice was low, "don't you think it's time we stopped?"

"Stopped?" My word was barely audible.

"Stopped fighting this."

My heart seemed to hesitate and my body felt cold all over. "Are you sure?" Even my voice was shaky.

He tilted his head slightly. "You can't be sure of anything until you've tried it." He leaned even closer, brushing his lips lightly against mine. I closed my eyes without meaning to.

My heart began to pound—I was almost certain he could hear it. Yes, my mind and body agreed with Trowa, I have been fighting this for too long.

I reached for him, kissing with more force, more emotion. All at once I felt like I had six years worth of pent-up passion to give him, and I wanted him to have it all at once. His lips parted slightly, so I took the opportunity to slip my tongue between them. I loved the feel of his mouth, his cool tongue sliding against mine. I felt dizzy and giddy.

Trowa's hands rested softly on my chest. He could feel my erratic heartbeat. He knew what kind of an effect he had on me. I was glad. He pushed me gently, forcing me to lie back against the cushions. My arms instinctively wound around his back.

He broke the kiss. "Should we continue?" he asked huskily, his green eyes staring deeply into mine. His hands drifted downward, playing with the hem of my t-shirt.

I nodded, afraid that my voice would fail me if I tried to speak. I let Trowa pull my shirt off, then busied myself unbuttoning his. I tried to ignore the delicious sensation of his fingers and lips on my flesh. Once I'd pushed his shirt off, I pulled him down against me. His skin was hot next to mine, yet it sent shivers through my entire body.

I buried my face in his shoulder, gently kissing the base of his neck. I'd never felt this close to anyone before—as though it were right for me to be there, in Trowa’s arms. My lips found his again, and my mind reeled with all the new sensations. He pulled away slightly; our foreheads touched and our eyes bore into each other’s. I blushed, averting my eyes from his stare. It was one thing to kiss, another to share such an intimate gaze. . . a gaze reserved for lovers. 

But wasn't that what we were now? What I'd always wanted?

"I’ve wanted to be with you like this for so long," Trowa whispered. "I was sure you'd fallen in love with someone else."

“Duo fell in love with Heero and his life was hell for years.” I took a deep breath and blinked hard. “I don’t want that to happen to me. Ever. I’ve never loved anyone—I can’t handle it. But you, here—this is different.” I turned away, not wanting to see my face in Trowa’s eyes. “I fought this, these feelings, because they’re too intense,” I confessed quietly. “They’re stronger than any physical feeling I’ve ever had. But I can’t end up like Duo. I can’t fall—“

Trowa's lips met mine in a slow, deep kiss. I could tell what he was trying to say. He wanted it to be okay. I felt his hands on my waist, tugging at my shorts. A shiver of fear shot through me, and I pushed his fingers away and broke the kiss. 

He sat up, his green eyes troubled. 

I stood and began pacing the floor. This couldn't be happening. Why was I so attracted to Trowa? I wasn't gay—I’d never been homosexual. Certainly if I was I would've been attracted to Duo, right? He attracted men as easily as anyone I knew. But then again, so did Relena, and I wasn't particularly attracted to her, either. Could it be Trowa alone I cared for? So maybe that made me gay. Maybe that was why I never had any serious relationships with the girls I'd dated. But maybe it wasn't just Trowa, either. Perhaps I just wanted him because he was a guy—not because of him particularly. My mind was reeling. "This can't be happening," I whispered. 

I turned to Trowa. He had an unfamiliar expression on his face. His eyes were soft as he watched me. I'd hurt him. 

"Quatre," he began, his voice tender. "I love you. I've cared about you since we met. I didn't know exactly how much until months later, during the battle when you tried to self-detonate Sandrock. It killed me when you told us what you were about to do. Until then I'd worked so hard to keep from feeling anything—it took me by surprise that you meant so much to me."

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, shocked that he was still so open to me after I'd jumped away.

"You would’ve rejected me. And I didn't want to let my feelings get any more involved—I didn't want to screw up our mission because of love. By the time the war was over, we were set in a comfortable pattern that was hard to break." He shrugged bitterly and looked away.

I pulled him up to his feet in front of me. "I was drawn to you. But I felt so guilty about what I did with the Zero System that I was afraid to say anything. I was so afraid that my feelings were all about remorse, not—not anything else." I was still scared, but of something totally different now. Was Duo right all along? Could the right man really change me? I looked up at him, trying not to blush. "I was confused . . ."

"I’m still confused," Trowa confessed, untying my hair. “But I know how I feel right now. About you.” He ran his fingers through it and I relished the sensation. I could understand why Duo and WuFei had refused to cut theirs for so long. He massaged my neck slightly and lowered his mouth to mine. Suddenly I didn’t care that Trowa was a man and that I hadn’t spoken to him in four years. In all my experience, I’d never been seduced, and I was surprised that I enjoyed it so thoroughly.  
I moved my lips, kissing a path down his neck and over his chest. His muscles flexed and tightened under my fingertips. I continued kissing downward, sinking to my knees in front of him. I slowly and gently kissed the sensitive exposed skin under his navel. Trowa's hands were gripped tightly on my shoulders as I unsteadily unbuttoned his jeans. 

I hesitated, suddenly realizing what I'd been about to do. Was I ready for such a giant step? I looked up at Trowa. His hungry eyes burned into me. The lustful expression turned me on, but a more rational part of my mind urged me to reconsider.

Six years! A frantic voice cried out in my mind. You've loved him for six years. The realization excited me.

But you kissed him for the first time tonight, the reasonable voice reminded me. 

You've moved a lot faster with women. 

My eyes met Trowa's once again. If I didn't continue, wouldn’t it ruin everything? I loved having him so close, but. . .

"We don't have to do this," he said gently. "I'm nervous, too."

I was relieved that he understood me. "Y-you're—?"

He nodded, half-smiling. "I'm terrified that we'll move too fast and ruin whatever it is we've got." He leaned over and kissed my forehead. Even his chaste kisses enflamed me. 

I stood, taking his hand in mine. "Let's do this right then." I led him out of the living room, my mind made up. Maybe this would be a total disaster, but I had to see what was meant to be between us.

The bedroom was noticeably cooler, but it felt good against my hot skin. I turned toward Trowa; I could make out his eager smile in the darkness. He put his hand on my chest, making me tremble. In a moment, I was kissing him fiercely and pushing him onto the bed.

We kissed slowly and passionately, removing the rest of our clothes and exploring each other with our hands. I had never been so excited in my life—Trowa brought out feelings I hadn't known I could experience. He was a gentle lover, but it was more than that. He had a way of touching me emotionally—more than anyone ever had, and he left me feeling satisfied in more than just a physical sense. Being with Trowa was the most fulfilling thing I'd ever been a part of.

Afterwards, when he was half-asleep in my arms, I thought about what happened. I wondered again if I felt this way because of Trowa, or because I was somehow attracted to other men as well. "Why were you afraid to tell me?" I whispered, wondering if his reasons were the same as mine.

He twisted around, looking at me seriously. "I thought you'd reject me. I mean, you were always seeing . . .” His voice trailed off, his eyes focusing on the ceiling.

He had a point. I had always been dating some woman or other. Of course he’d assume I wouldn’t be interested in. . . anything with him. “Yeah. I guess that’s who I thought I was.” I guess I was wrong; I was far more myself right then, with Trowa.

He turned away again and I nuzzled against him. My fingers traced over the faint scars on his back. It hurt me just to look at them. "Trowa?"

"Mmm?"

"Have you ever been with a man before?" I gently kissed the criss-crossing scars.

"Yes." His voice was low, unsteady. "Have you?"

"No," I answered with a small smile. I was glad to admit it. "Only women."

I felt Trowa's body tense up in my arms. "Women? You mean, you and Duo have never been together?" 

"What?" I was stunned—Duo? I had never considered sleeping with Duo, despite all of his lewd suggestions. Up until tonight I had never considered sleeping with any man. "How did you get that impression?"

"It always looked like you two were a together—from the first time I met Duo. And you've always been so close, you acted like a couple." Trowa's voice rose slightly. "Hell, last Friday you two looked like you were—and he stayed over."

It made sense, sort of. I could see how someone could misinterpret the friendship Duo and I had; especially since he'd been hitting on me again. Damn! "Trowa, Duo is my best friend, nothing more."

"Then why was he so close, and talking about settling down?" Trowa's voice was weak, confused. 

"Had we stayed any longer you would've seen him hit on WuFei, too. And then he'd probably go after you or Heero. That's how he is when he's drunk and upset. He does it all the time, and I'm usually the first one he approaches, but it doesn't mean anything to him. He's still in love with Heero." My voice climbed half an octave as I got more upset. I hated that, but couldn’t control it.

“But,” Trowa was starting to sound desperate. “But this pillow, it smells just like his shampoo. He slept here with you.” He punched the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut.

I had a hard time keeping my voice stable. He thought I’d slept with Duo just last night and crawled into bed with him today? “I slept on the couch.”

Trowa rolled over, facing me. His eyes were confused and sad. "I thought you never began anything with me because you had a relationship with Duo."

"No," I whispered, shocked and horrified and a little bewildered. "I was afraid of being in love—especially of being in love with a guy."

Trowa propped himself up on one elbow, smiling weakly. "So I'm the exception?" he joked lightly, leaning down to kiss me. His free hand lightly caressed my face. He was trying to make me feel better, but I felt frozen. I couldn’t say what he wanted to hear right then. 

He broke the kiss and gazed at me. The question nagged at my mind, driving me crazy. “Who were you with?”

Trowa fell back onto the bed, is eyes clenched shut. "You don't want to know."

He didn't have to tell me. Somehow I knew who it was—right under everyone’s noses all this time. Who else could it be? His eyes met mine and I tried not to look hurt. "Just tell me,” I demanded brokenly.

“Heero.” His voice was a hoarse whisper.

I gulped. Why did I make him say it? “Does Relena know?”

He nodded. I felt my chest constrict suddenly. I didn't want to be jealous. It wasn’t fair to be jealous.

"It was supposed to be a one-time thing," he insisted. "It was an accident."

So this "accident" had happened numerous times, even though Trowa was in love with me? I breathed deeply, trying to get rid of the angry pain in my chest. Think analytically, I told myself as I stared at the ceiling. There was no reason to be upset with Trowa for something he did before. It was a past that I hadn’t really been a part of. Why should I be upset? But why Heero instead of me?

“Heero was lonely. . . and I-I was, too,” Trowa whispered hesitantly. “I wanted to be with you; he wanted to be with Duo.”

“Duo?” I interrupted, incredulous. I couldn’t believe this.

Trowa nodded silently. 

“Does Duo know about this?” I asked.

“No,” Trowa said quietly. “Heero and I agreed to not tell either of you about it. We thought it would all be better if you didn’t know. But I can’t lie to you like that.”  
I could tell that Trowa wasn’t happy about his past, but it didn’t keep me from feeling angry or betrayed—for me, for Relena, for Duo. 

Trowa’s eyes were fixed on the ceiling. “I ruined Duo’s chances with Heero.” His voice was faint. 

My chest burned with anger. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, my face flushing from the heat. I didn’t try to mask it. “How?”

“I was with Heero from the time of the Siberia battle until the war ended, until Relena won him over.”

That whole time? Over a year? Sure, we weren’t together or anything—and I certainly hadn’t been celibate, but my feelings for Trowa had kept me from having any serious relationships. And I certainly hadn’t had a year-long fling at my friend’s expense, either. No matter how I tried to fight it, I was hurt. Trowa had betrayed us all. “I thought you were in love with me,” I whispered, turning my back toward him. “I thought you were Duo’s friend.”

Trowa spoke sternly. “Listen, Qua—“

“No!” My anger took over. “Damn it, you listen to me!” I sat up and stared down at him. “I’ve been consoling Duo for the past six years because Heero didn’t love him. I was the one convincing him that the only reason Heero didn’t feel the same was because he preferred women. I didn’t know that all that time he was sleeping with you! You’d better damn well explain to him that you’re the reason he never got a chance!” I took a deep breath. I felt drained. “Duo deserves to know the truth about this.”

Trowa was silent. I’d never yelled at him before. Not like this. After a long time I heard his whispered voice. “I can’t do that. That’s Heero’s choice.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to deal with this. I was too angry to think coherently. I knew that I couldn’t keep this secret from Duo, but I couldn’t tell him either. How could I be with Trowa and still be friends with Duo? How could I not be with Trowa? I’d be betraying one of them, no matter what I said or didn’t say. I’d be betraying myself. 

I felt Trowa’s hand on my arm. His touch was gentle and it made my heart ache.

“I can’t do this,” I said softly. My eyes started to water. I didn’t want to cry. “I can’t keep loving you if you keep this from him.” I buried my head into my pillow, for the first time noticing the light smell of Duo’s hair. It hurt that much more, and I wondered if this is what happens when you fall in love. And even worse, would I have been better off if I’d never given in to my love for Trowa?

 

When the alarm clock buzzed the next morning, I woke to find the other side of the bed empty. His clothes were gone. I wasn’t surprised. I performed my morning routine like a zombie. I felt like an empty shell. But every so often I remembered the argument from the night before, but with an air of detachment. Would I hear from Trowa soon? I asked myself. No. Of course not. Why would he want to see me again? Why would I want to see him? 

You can’t fight what’s meant to be. Duo’s words were a double-edged sword. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be—with all of our lives tied together in a sick, twisted fashion that brought everyone pain. 

On my way to the door, I noticed my red, crumpled t-shirt pressed between the cushions of the couch. I paused, then grabbed it with shaking hands and threw it into the bathroom hamper.

At work I couldn’t concentrate. I sat through meetings, delivered speeches, signed documents—but my mind was elsewhere. Halfway through the afternoon Lt. Noin came to my office with a stack of papers.

“Quatre, are you okay?” she asked as she handed me the files. Her face and voice displayed sincere concern. 

“Yes, I’m fine,” I answered, offering a fake smile. I didn’t like lying to her, but I didn’t want to explain, either. It was too sordid and painful.

“Those are the files on the newest group of temporary government employees arriving from the colonies,” she explained. “They need to be cleared by both the defense Department and Security. Heero’s already checked them out; do you want me to do the rest?”

I flipped the first folder open. It had a full resume, with a photo and background check. Trowa Barton. Former Gundam pilot. I flipped through the papers, noting the meticulousness of Heero’s background check. Of course, I bitterly reminded myself, Heero would know more about Trowa’s background than anyone else. 

“No, I can take care of these. Heero’s pretty accurate, so I doubt it’ll be any trouble.” I stared at the papers for a moment, then closed the folder.

Noin peered at me closely. “I know something’s bothering you, Quatre.” 

“Nyah,” I said as I tossed the folder onto the stack. “I’ll be all right.”

She nodded and left quickly. After a few minutes my secretary entered the office. 

“Mr. Winner, are you feeling ill?” She asked hesitantly.

I glanced up. “Lt. Noin sent you in?”

She nodded slightly. “You look tired. If you like I can cancel tomorrow’s appointments for you.”

I considered it. Maybe I needed a day to think. “Yes,” I told her finally. “Please do that. I won’t be coming into the office tomorrow either. I’ll work on these files at home.”

I could spend the evening drinking, if it would help get my mind off of Trowa. There was really nothing like the mind-numbing effect of alcohol to make a guy feel better. I needed to make the ache in my chest go away. I was reaching for the phone to call WuFei when I heard someone clearing her throat. I glanced up. Relena? When did she come in?

Her expression was serious. “I heard that you had a pretty tough weekend, with Duo drunk and all.” She was an excellent politician, but I could see through her casual demeanor. She knew at least something about Trowa. He must’ve spoken to Heero.

I shrugged, trying to look casual. “It had its ups and downs. By the way, congratulations again on your engagement.”

“Thank you, Quatre.” She sat down in one of the chairs across from me. 

I raised an eyebrow. “This isn’t a social visit?”

Relena smiled, and for a brief moment I was envious of Heero. She was lovely, and it would be so much easier just to love a woman. “Actually, I do have something in mind. Heero and I would like you to be our dinner guest this evening.”

“Social or political dinner?”

“Social,” she answered. “At my house. Formal.”

“Tuxedos or uniforms?” I’d rather get smashed with WuFei and Duo.

“Tuxedos. Be there at eight, all right?” She stood up and headed toward the door.

It was impossible to say no to her. I didn’t have the energy to fight. “All right. I’ll see you at eight, then.” I picked up the stack of folders and my jacket and left the office quickly.

I entered the foyer of the Peacecraft Mansion hesitantly. I didn’t want to be there, but after a few calls I discovered that Duo and WuFei would be attending also. Of course, that meant Trowa had been invited, too. My stomach hurt. Maybe I could talk my friends into slipping out early for some late-night refreshment.

 

Heero greeted me as soon as I entered the drawing room. Numerous people were milling about, drinking cognac and conversing lightly. “Relena’s glad you could come,” he said curtly. I wondered if he was as uncomfortable as I was. He hated social functions as much as Relena loved them, but she had him pretty much tamed by now.

I noticed WuFei and Duo in one corner of the room, laughing with Trowa. Duo gesticulated wildly, trying to get my attention, but I ignored him. Instead I crossed the room to join Relena and her circle of friends. I stalled for a couple of minutes with her, but when I turned back to the others, Trowa was still there. I sighed. I’d have to face him someday; I might as well get it over with.

I greeted them curtly and tried to avoid Duo’s bright grin. He was examining me carefully, slowly looking me over from head to toe.

He laughed suddenly. “Quatre obviously had some fun last night!”

“What do you mean?” Trowa’s voice was as quiet as always. His poker face irritated me.

WuFei rolled his eyes. “Duo seems to think he has some sixth sense. He says he can tell whenever Quatre’s had sex. I think he’s guessing—although with Quatre the odds are really in his favor.” He nudged me, hard. 

I blushed slightly as I watched WuFei smirk. This was not the conversation I’d planned on having with Trowa present.

“You did, didn’t you?” Duo said ecstatically. “You were with a woman last night! Who was she? Someone new? Let me guess—tall, beautiful, quiet? You always go for the same type.”

“No,” I snapped at Duo suddenly, my patience worn thin. “I was at home all night—and I didn’t have any girls over.” I really didn’t like them discussing my love life with Trowa around. It bothered me that it might hurt him. I shifted my gaze to him. He had a blank expression; he looked casual. I looked at Duo again, still furious. 

“Ah, maybe that’s the problem,” Duo whispered loudly to WuFei, his eyes never leaving mine. He took a few steps closer to me, taking my hand. “I think what you need, Quatre, is a nice, strong man. And I think you know it. Come on—you know you want me. You just need to relax and accept it.” He yanked me closer, making a quick pucker with his lips.

I pulled away quickly, noting that Duo was the only one laughing. I didn’t know whether to come up with a snide remark or hit him. Luckily I was saved from either by Relena’s announcement that dinner was about to be served. Thank goodness for protocol. 

Everyone took their seats in the dining room. WuFei and I sat at the opposite ends of the table from Heero and the others. I wasn’t in the mood for idle chatter, and WuFei never was. 

“Just ignore him,” WuFei said, his eyes on Duo. “He’s still upset about Heero.”

I followed his eyes, realizing that Duo had managed to place himself next to Heero. I wondered how he could do that—how he could sit there, wanting to be close even though it only brought frustration. 

“That idiot,” WuFei mumbled. “You’d think he’d learn. Yuy can only hurt him now.”

I nodded. “He should break away while he can.” Was that what I was trying to do?

He scoffed. “He could have any girl here, if he was interested, and he could probably have half of the guys. Instead he chases the one impossible person.” WuFei looked irritated.

I glanced sharply at him, wondering momentarily if his comment was generated by jealousy. But WuFei didn’t like men; he wasn’t gay. Neither are you, I told myself, but it didn’t keep you from sleeping with Trowa.

We hardly spoke any more during dinner, though Relena tried to draw us into the conversation. During one such moment my eyes met Trowa’s, and I was surrounded by his emerald green gaze. I shook my head slightly, trying to snap myself out of it. He looked away, a small frown on his face. I was satisfied. Let him frown. My pleasure didn’t last long.

After dinner, Relena suggested drinks outside and led us out to the impressive gardens. I took a glass of champagne and drifted away from the crowd of people. I sat on a bench near the veranda, where a string ensemble was playing my favorite piece, Bach’s first “Brandenburg Concerto.” I closed my eyes, listening to the precise balance and symmetry of the music. It was so organized, so . . . controlled. Just like me. Maybe I needed to lose control of myself more often. Was that what had happened the previous night? It had somehow been the best night of my life. And the worst.

I opened my eyes to find Heero standing in front of me. He sat down wordlessly, pulling at his collar. He looked uncomfortable.

“I talked to Trowa this morning.” He had never been admired for his subtlety. 

“Oh?” I tried to sound uninterested. 

“I don’t know what you did to him, but I haven’t seen a guy that fucked up for a long time.” He paused. “He loves you. He may not be able to say it, but I know he does.”

I could feel my whole body become tense. Why the hell did Heero get involved? I wanted to hit him; I wanted to run away. I wanted to ask him why he’d slept with Trowa if he loved Duo. Instead I masked my anger. “Trowa knows how I feel. And I doubt that’s something that can change.” 

Heero glared at me, obviously displeased with my aloof response. “Can’t you two just fight it out like normal guys?”

My temper flared. “No! We can’t be like normal guys because of our abnormal past—which you’re a part of!”

Heero stood and clenched his fists angrily. “So that’s what this is about? Well, it’s the past, Quatre. Get over it.”

“No, Heero,” I challenged, my voice cold. “It’s just your past. It’s Trowa’s present, and mine, too. You may have been able to let go of it and move on, but your actions back then are still affecting us!” I quickly stood up and left him, ignoring his curses. 

I kept walking deeper into the gardens until I found a Spanish-style haven. I could barely hear the music and the laughter from the house. Instead, I heard the splashing of the fountain in the middle of the walled-in garden. It reminded me of my father’s estate on the colony, and how I spent every morning in the Moorish gardens. I stood there for a while, watching the water trickle down into the basin. I was unaware of the passing of time until Duo stood at my side.

“You’ve been gone for an hour,” he said softly, interrupting my memories. “Trowa’s leaving, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

I glanced at him briefly. “Why do you think that’s bothering me?”

“I’ve always been able to read you like a book,” Duo explained with a smile.

I wasn’t sure if that made me feel good or not. “Really?”

“No,” Duo laughed. “When he said goodbye, he said he didn’t want to disturb you anymore. I asked him if you’d had an argument.”

“And what did he say?” I asked.

“That he’d tell me about it tomorrow. We’re going to meet for lunch; he said it was important.” He shrugged casually. “Was it a bad fight?”

I nodded. “But I don’t want to talk about it.” If my suspicions were correct, Duo would know about it soon enough anyway. I hoped so. I wanted to end this.

Duo stretched his arms above his head and yawned. “Things have been changing too much lately,” he said lazily. He dropped his arms and looked at me. “Oh yeah, WuFei and I were hoping you were still up for a couple of drinks tonight. We wanted to ditch this place as soon as possible.”

“Definitely,” I agreed. It was the best thing I’d heard all day. We headed back toward the house. Duo flopped his arm nonchalantly over my shoulder as he prattled endlessly.

 

The next morning I was thankful that I’d already called off work. I woke up hung over. WuFei and Duo’s idea of a couple of drinks was to go barhopping until three. I had made good on my plans to get trashed—too bad I didn’t feel any better. Despite my long, hot shower and half a bottle of aspirin, I still felt wretched in the early afternoon. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I heard someone pounding on my door. Duo must be back from his meeting with Trowa.

I headed over quickly, knowing that he was going to be furious, and that he wouldn’t hesitate to break the door down. But I was surprised to see both Duo and Trowa. My heart beat erratically upon seeing the latter. Duo looked predictably enraged, and stormed in before I could speak. He went straight for the kitchen, slamming cupboards and rifling through the refrigerator. “Damn it, Quatre,” he swore. “Don’t you have anything to eat?”

I pulled Trowa in and closed the door, holding my hand against my aching head. “Could you stop slamming things?” I asked. I didn’t want this. Not now. I could hardly think, and now I had to deal with Duo’s anger? Even more difficult, I had to deal with Trowa’s tormented gaze. I was still upset with him—and in no mood to make up. 

Duo returned to the foyer empty-handed and went straight to the living room, plopping down on the couch and crossing his arms. Trowa followed suit, sitting next to Duo. I pulled a chair close to the couch, opposite the other two. Mediator was a job that came naturally to me.

“How much did he tell you?” I asked Duo. 

He glared at Trowa. “Enough,” he snapped.

“I didn’t get a chance to tell him much,” Trowa explained softly. “As soon as I started he jumped up and left the restaurant, demanding to talk to you.” His calm unnerved me.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked Duo with an even voice.

His violet-blue eyes were wide with rage. “You wanna know how much I’ve been told? I know about Heero—that even though I loved Heero and Heero loved me, Trowa was the one banging him! Shit!” I thought he would cry if he weren’t so angry.

Duo dropped his head into his hands. 

I was lost. What could I say to him—that I’d known but couldn’t tell him because I was in love with Trowa? There wasn’t any way to make this easier. “Should I call Heero?”

Trowa shook his head. “No. Heero didn’t want him to know in the first place.”

Duo lifted his head. His eyes were wet with unshed tears and his voice was cold. “I want to know why the hell I wasn’t with Heero if he loved me.”

I sighed. This was not helping me get rid of my headache. “Trowa, tell it from the beginning,” I ordered.

Trowa licked his lips and began unsteadily. “I suppose it began after Siberia. I took Heero back to the circus with me, so Catherine could help me nurse him to health. And during that month I really got to know him well. We confided in each other. He told me all about you, Duo—how much he liked you. And I explained my feelings for Quatre. We were lonely.

“I don’t understand how it happened, really.” Trowa looked away from Duo, his face full of shame. “It did, though, and we swore it would never happen again. Later, when we all met up again, Heero was planning to confess to you. He wanted to tell you everything in the hopes you’d feel the same. But we saw how incredibly close you two seemed. The way you fought together in battle, even. It looked like you really cared about each other or something. We thought you two were a couple. Maybe we just did it to justify our attraction—I don’t know.” Trowa turned back toward Duo, waiting for a response.

Duo’s jaw was set, his face stubborn. “Why didn’t you say anything when I told you how I felt about Heero, then?”

“If I had told Heero that you cared about him, he would’ve left me,” he answered softly, looking down at his hands. “And if I had told you about Heero and me, I thought you would deepen your relationship with Quatre—that I would lose any chance I might still have with him. I was afraid of losing either of them. I wanted them both.”

“Left you? How many times did you do it? Once? Twice? More?” Duo’s eyes were wild with this new realization.

“A year.” Trowa’s voice was a whisper. “We were lovers for a year.”

The sick sensation in my stomach didn’t dissipate until I saw that Trowa was on the verge of tears. It made me feel horribly guilty, and I knew I hadn’t even done anything, really. How could I be so angry with Trowa, when everything he was doing, every word he confessed, was so that I could love him? I realized that they were the two most important people to me, and if they didn’t reconcile, I wouldn’t know what to do.

Duo’s hands were clenched in fists of rage. “You bastard! You’re telling me that I lost my chance with Heero because you were being so damned selfish?”  
Trowa said nothing; he only nodded his head after a moment of hesitation. His eyes dropped to the floor. 

“Why didn’t Heero want me to know?” Duo demanded. “When did he decide that?”

Trowa met Duo’s glare. “It was last weekend. Heero didn’t even know that you were in love with him until Friday. But he saw you hanging all over Quatre and thought that maybe you would be happier if you never found out.”

Duo was silent and his hands were shaking. He was staring at me, questioningly. I didn’t know what he wanted to hear, what he needed to know.

“Duo, “ I began, “Heero’s right, in a way. Knowing this now can’t change anything.”

“Yes,” Trowa agreed. “Heero would’ve left you for Relena. He loves her. So maybe it’s better that I was the one who got tossed aside rather than you.” I realized as soon as Trowa was finished what a mistake he’d made.

Duo whirled on Trowa, his eyes wide and angry. “Fuck you! What gives you the right to say that? Maybe you didn’t hold on to him as tight as I would’ve! Maybe you didn’t love him enough! I could’ve kept him!” He stopped abruptly and stood up. He paced back and forth, and I wondered what he was thinking. “Damn it, Trowa, maybe he didn’t love you enough.”

Trowa also stood. His whole body shook. He moved over to the window are stared out for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. I could barely hear him.

Duo stopped pacing, his fists clenched at his sides. “Go to hell, Trowa.” His voice was icy. 

Trowa turned around with a nervous expression. I was scared for him. My body tensed.

Duo took a step closer and grabbed Trowa by the collar. “You’ve fucked up everything I’ve ever cared about. You screwed Quatre over, you screwed Heero, you screwed with me.” He pulled him closer, their faces almost touching. “Don’t fuck with WuFei.”

Trowa’s eyes widened with surprise and fear; he swallowed visibly and nodded. His breaths were quick and obvious. It was so unlike Trowa; he was scared of Duo, and I couldn’t blame him. I jumped up, prepared to pull Duo off of him if I had to.

Before I could move in their direction, Duo let go of his shirt and shoved him away wordlessly, ignoring Trowa’s stumble as he struggled to keep on his feet. He walked calmly out to the foyer, turning to glance at me before he opened the door. “Sorry, Quatre.”

I rubbed my eyes slowly as the door slammed shut. Trowa’s breathing was inaudible now. I wondered if it had been right for me to make Trowa do this. Was Heero right—would Duo have been better off without knowing? Would I? I berated myself for asking Trowa about it in the first place. 

“I should go,” Trowa’s voice was smooth once more, masking any emotions. I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. I realized with a start that I didn’t want him to go. Not yet.

“No. I owe you an apology.” I walked over to him while I searched for the right words. I could feel his eyes on me, and it gave me that familiar trembling sensation in my stomach. I tried to ignore it. “It’s wrong for me to be angry about your past; it’s also wrong for me to be jealous of Heero. I should’ve told you how I felt a long time ago, so all of this could’ve been prevented. But most of all,” I paused to look up at him, “it was wrong for me to give you an ultimatum like that.” It wasn’t even half of what I wanted to say to him, but I knew he would understand.

“No,” Trowa said, looking out the window again. “Duo was right. I was being selfish. I know I can’t magically take it all back by saying I’m sorry, but at least it’s out in the open now. The three of us can learn to deal with it.” 

“Duo will want to talk to Heero, you know,” I pointed out. “He’s never been able to keep stuff inside.”

“I know,” Trowa said, giving a half-smile. “Heero’s going to kill me.” 

“You can blame me,” I suggest, trying to smile brightly, but failing miserably. “Heero can’t kill you if you told him that I made you do it.”

Trowa looked at me and shrugged one shoulder, losing his smile. “But can you forgive me?” He didn’t even sound hopeful.

I didn’t know what to answer. I wondered if it was really within my place to be angry for Duo. Shouldn’t my love for Trowa be stronger than anything? Wasn’t that what being in love was about? After denying my feelings for so many years, I couldn’t bottle them up again—even for Duo. I looked at him for a long time—he never looked away. The anger was gone, but the pain still throbbed. 

“I love you, Trowa,” I said finally. “But I don’t know if I can handle this.” I walked over to him, letting my forehead droop onto his chest. I was exhausted with everything.

He pulled me into a tight embrace, his arms wrapping around my shoulders. I could feel his chest shaking beneath me; I looked up to see tears streaming down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry I hurt you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

His tears hurt more than anything else. I reached up and wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. “Shh,” I whispered before pulling his face toward mine for a long, sweet kiss. For an instant I accepted all the pain and the arguments; love like this was worth it.

He pulled away and wiped his eyes, an embarrassed look on his face. “Should we call Heero and tell him before Duo does?”

I remembered my last conversation with Heero and shook my head. I didn’t want to talk to him, and I sort of felt that Duo would make more of an impact if he came unannounced. “No, Duo probably won’t want to talk to Heero until tomorrow. He went to WuFei’s. He always talks to WuFei when he’s angry.” A thought came to my mind, and I tried not to smile. “You might want to stay on guard, too.”

“Why?”

“I suspect that WuFei might be awfully protective of Duo right now.” 

We stood silently for a while, wrapped in each other’s arms. He was warm. Safe. I felt like I could stay that way forever, and the feeling didn’t scare me. After what seemed like forever Trowa spoke again.

“I want to be there when Duo confronts Heero,” he said quietly. “And I want you to be there, too, since your name will certainly come up.” He shook his head slightly. “I just want this whole thing over with.”

I nodded my agreement. I hoped that someday we could just let it go. Duo could get over Heero and possibly find a fulfilling relationship with WuFei; Heero could marry Relena with Duo’s honest blessing; and Trowa—well, I’d be thrilled if Trowa stayed on earth—with me—a lot longer. 

He must have noticed the direction of my thoughts, because he trailed his hands down my back to my hips. Clutching the fabric of my pajamas in his fists, he pressed his mouth onto mine, this time a lot more passionately and aggressively. It was almost violent; it left me breathless and wanting more. A lot more.

“I should get back to work,” he whispered huskily in my ear. “I told them I’d be back within two hours.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, gazing up at him. “That’s mean! You could take the rest of the day off,” I suggested playfully, running my fingers through Trowa’s soft bangs. I felt a twinge of shame for trying to get a physical reaction out of Trowa when we hadn’t even settled things emotionally. It was a base reaction, but I just wanted to touch him when he was around.

He shook his head. “As much as I’d love that—as much as I really want that, I can’t. I took yesterday morning off to talk to Heero, and it’s only my second week on a temporary job.”

“Oh,” I tried not to sound too disappointed. 

“Why don’t you call Duo and see how he’s doing? I’m guessing he’ll talk to you if I’m not around,” Trowa said softly as he pulled away. He gave me a critical look. “And shouldn’t you get dressed? It’s almost four.”

I laughed self-consciously and glanced down at my white t-shirt and red plaid pajama bottoms. Trowa reached over and ruffled my hair, smiling. “Nyah, you look cute,” he said.

“Just get out of here,” I said with an embarrassed smile as I pushed him toward the door. 

He opened the door and paused, looking at me over his shoulder. “I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed. “Oh! Trowa—how did you guys know I’d be here?”

He laughed. It was strange to hear it coming from him. “Duo said that you put away so much tequila last night that there was no way you could’ve gone in today.” He smiled again and walked out toward the elevator. 

I watched him for a moment, and then closed the door. How could the whole world change within two days? I headed back to the living room and sat in front of the phone. I was positive Duo had gone to see WuFei, and that he was probably as hung over as me. So I dialed WuFei’s number. After several rings, his face appeared on my screen.

“Hey, Quatre,” he answered, his face tense. He looked like hell—definitely hung over. 

“Is Duo around?” I asked.

“Yeah. Let me see if he wants to talk to you. He might not.” I was put on hold, wondering if Duo was going to talk to me. I was sure that he was still angry with Trowa, and that probably transferred to me as well; I just hoped he realized that I was trying to make things right for him. I was nervous about talking to him, but I’d learned from experience that it was better to confront Duo Maxwell head on than to hide and wait for him to say something.

Duo appeared on the screen with a fake smile. “Hi, Quatre,” he greeted. 

“Are you okay?”

Duo’s grin faded. “I’ve been better.”

“I’m glad you went to WuFei’s,” I admitted. I didn’t want to think of all the self-destructive things Duo was capable of, or the things he could’ve done to hurt Trowa. And I certainly didn’t want him to confront Heero in his anger. He was irrational when he was furious.

“Yeah,” Duo said sheepishly. “He’s calmed me down a bit. I suppose Trowa’s still there?” A tinge of bitterness crept into his voice.

“No, he had to go back to work.”

There was a brief pause. Duo’s voice was soft when he spoke up. “Are you in love with him again?”

I couldn’t lie to him. “I think somewhere deep down I never stopped,” I confessed with a sigh. It felt good to admit it. 

“Are you mad that he never told you how he felt?”

“Well, I’m okay with it now, pretty much.” I gave a strained laugh. “I would’ve been afraid to have a relationship with him, anyway. You know me, always chasing the girls.” I wasn’t lying to Duo, exactly, but it felt like I was.

Duo’s face broke into a genuine smile. “Don’t be homophobic; you don’t realize what you’ve been missing!” He paused, glancing away from the monitor. “But seriously, Quatre—I don’t mind if you two hook up. I just wish it could’ve happened a hell of a lot sooner.”

“Me too. Are you glad Trowa told you?” I needed to know if I had done the right thing in making him confess. 

“Glad isn’t exactly the word I would’ve chosen,” Duo said with a grimace. “But it all makes a lot more sense now, and I’m thankful that I’m no longer in the dark.” He laughed bitterly. “Can’t wait ‘til I get my hands on Heero, though.”

I nodded slowly, agreeing with him. His words matched my sentiments fairly well. “Can you forgive Trowa?” I asked timidly.

“Someday I will,” Duo answered with a slight frown. “Not for a while, though. It pisses me off—but I think I’m madder at Heero. I at least tried to tell him how I felt. He never said anything, and even tried to keep me from getting close.”

I sighed. Knowing Duo, he’d already decided to tell Heero exactly what was on his mind. “Trowa wants to be there if you confront Heero, and so do I, since it’s my fault the whole thing came out anyway.”

“Really?” Duo looked mildly surprised. “I thought maybe that it was your doing. I suppose you thought it was unjust on my behalf?”

I laughed. “You sound like WuFei.”

“That’s what I get for hanging out with the justice avenger for three days straight,” he said with a smirk. “He thinks the whole thing’s an unjust debacle. I think he’s planning to kill both of them if he sees them any time soon.”

I raised my eyebrows. “It must be nice to have a friend that’s so loyal.” He knew me well enough to pick up the implications.

Duo snorted. “He’d do the same for you.” He looked away; I assumed he was watching WuFei. “Anyway,” he began, obviously trying to change the subject, “is Trowa so great in bed that he’s worth all this trouble?”

I glared at him and he laughed, holding up both his hands defensively. “I know, I know, you only sleep with women! I just thought I’d plant a suggestion in your head.”

As if I need any help, I thought with mortification, remembering Trowa’s last searing kiss. I decided to turn the tables on Duo. “And is WuFei so good in bed that you’ve been able to put up with his justice bit for three days in a row?”

“Shh,” Duo whispered, his eyes wide. “You’ll scare him!”

“So you two aren’t together yet? Haven’t you convinced him that it’s unhealthy to be straight?” I asked.

“Not quite.” A small smile tugged at Duo’s lips. “It’s not really a good time for romance, but we’re both patient.”

I grinned. They were the two most impatient people I’d ever met. But I was glad they weren’t rushing into anything; WuFei could easily be crushed if Duo was only using him as a rebound.

“Quatre?” Duo asked timidly, interrupting my thoughts. “We’re going to talk tomorrow night, Heero and I. Can you guys be there?”

I nodded. “Where?”

“Heero’s place, around seven.”

“Will Relena be there?” I had a feeling that she didn’t know about Heero’s past feelings for Duo, no matter how much she knew about Trowa.

“I don’t think so,” Duo said with a frown. “I certainly hope not.”

“Well, I’ll definitely be there, and I’ll give Trowa a call tonight,” I affirmed. We said goodbye and hung up. After staring at the phone for a moment, I went to get dressed and take more aspirin. Finally I sat down in front of the computer and caught up on my missed work.

 

At six o’clock the next day. Trowa showed up at my office, looking more nervous than I’d ever seen him. I began to dread talking to Heero. 

“Don’t you ever stop working?” Trowa asked with a sigh. 

“No,” I laughed. “I’ll be done in a second—I just have to finish this message to Rashid. He wants me to give up this ‘political folly’ and return to the colony.” I continued typing and sent the message. 

A moment later I was done and I stretched luxuriously. Trowa grabbed my jacket, and within minutes we were driving over to Heero’s. It was pouring down rain—the perfect weather for a confrontation. It was a short trip, and we were both too nervous to talk. I wondered how angry Heero was going to get. Trowa looked confident, but I could easily see through his calm exterior. I parked the car in front of the apartment building, but Trowa didn’t move. 

“Quatre,” he said in a gentle tone that surprised me. “I just want you to know . . . there hasn’t been anything between Heero and me since the war ended. I haven’t avoided earth because of his relationship with Relena—it was never like that.” He paused to swallow and breathe deeply. “I stayed away because I was afraid of having to stand by and watch you and Duo together. I was so jealous of Duo.” He stared out the other window, avoiding my gaze.

I didn’t say anything, wondering why he was explaining all this now. The romantic mood he was putting me in wouldn’t be helpful when I tried to support Duo. Still, I smiled softly at him, my Trowa, as he traced idle patterns in the fogged window.

“I-if I had known that I was wrong all that time, well, I doubt I could’ve been convinced to ever leave your side. I loved you so much it hurt to think of you with him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt, and I want you to know that I won’t even think of leaving you again.”

“You’re not going back to outer space?” Even to my own ears, my voice sounded incredulous. 

“Never again, if you’ll let me stay here with you.”

I was speechless. I took his hand in mine, squeezing it gently as he looked back at me. 

“So . . . Are we okay now?” He studied me nervously, twining his fingers around mine.

“I—I think so,” I whispered.

“Good.” He smiled at me. I grinned back like an idiot. For a long time we just sat there, happy.

“Um, we should go in now,” he said, his face coloring slightly.

 

In the hall outside Heero’s apartment, we found Duo pacing nervously. “Ah, you’re here,” he said, wringing his hands.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “You don’t have to do this now, you know.”

“I’m all right,” he answered. “I think WuFei’s worse than me.”

“WuFei?” Trowa asked, nervously glancing around. They hallway was empty, other than the three of us.

“He’s down the street at a café,” Duo explained. “He said he’d come get me if I’m not there in forty-five minutes. I think he suspects that either Heero or I will be half-dead by the end of the evening.”

I sort of figured the same thing. The only thing I’d ever seen that rivaled Duo’s short temper was Heero’s. I crossed my fingers absently as Duo rang the doorbell.  
When Heero saw all of us he raised his eyebrows and silently let us in—he clearly hadn’t been expecting a group. He ushered us into the living room and gestured to the chairs. I took a seat next to Trowa, and Heero sat nearby, crossing his legs casually. Duo hovered behind my chair, too antsy to sit down.

Heero broke the silence. “I take it we’re going to spend the evening reminiscing?” he asked dryly. 

Duo wasted no time getting started. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he demanded, ignoring Heero’s sarcasm.

Heero glared at Trowa pointedly, then shifted his icy gaze toward Duo. “Because it was personal. You never discussed your sexual partners with me.”

I flinched for my friend. Heero was so hard sometimes.

“No,” Duo growled, “I didn’t tell you because I had no one to discuss. I wasn’t with anyone, not for years. I was too stuck on you to even consider it.”

Heero glanced at me, his expression clearly surprised. I shook my head, already sick of the question I was positive he was asking. 

“They were never together,” Trowa explained quickly. “We were wrong—we must’ve misinterpreted them.”

Heero shook his head in denial, his expression stony again. “But, come on—“ he stammered, disbelieving. “You two were always together. You shared rooms and took long walks. Hell, didn’t you just spend the weekend together?”

I sighed. I was tired of explaining this. “We’re not lovers, just friends. And we’ve never been anything more than friends.”

Heero nodded slightly, seeming to accept the misunderstanding. 

“That doesn’t matter, though,” Duo challenged, his voice hostile. “I want to know why the hell you slept with Trowa—for an entire fucking year—if you were in love with me. Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt instead of screwing around with the next guy you could find?”

Heero’s eyes flashed furiously at Trowa. “You told him how I felt?” he asked incredulously, rising to his feet. He clenched his hands into fists.

Trowa jumped up, grabbing Heero’s arm. “I had to tell him that half the reason we hooked up in the first place was because you didn’t think anything could’ve happened with him!”

Heero yanked his arm away, causing Trowa to stumble backward. I jumped out of my seat, steadying Trowa protectively. As far as I was concerned, there was no reason for Heero to lash out at Trowa for doing the right thing.

Heero turned back to Duo, his voice cold. “It doesn’t matter now, don’t you realize it? I’m in love with Relena, and drudging up old feelings won’t change that.”

“I don’t want to change that,” Duo insisted, grabbing the back of my chair. I craned my neck to see his face. “Six years ago all I ever wanted was a chance to love you, and you kept pushing me away! Now I just want to know why you pushed me instead of telling me how you felt. You never said anything! What the hell were you afraid of?”

“You never said anything either!” Heero ground out in an uncharacteristic display of anger and defensiveness. “If you cared about me so much for such a long time, you should’ve said something!”

“I tried,” Duo retorted, still surprisingly steady, “but every time I began a serious conversation you changed the subject, or told me to shut up for once! After a while I gave up because I figured you knew what I was trying to say. I knew that if I actually said it out loud you would kill me! I thought you’d call me a queer and refuse to talk to me again. I thought I was unnatural to like guys. Don’t you understand?”

Heero shook his head slightly. “I felt the same way, Duo.”

“Bullshit!” Duo shouted. “None of you guys know what it’s like! For you, sex with other men is variety. You may be attracted to a man, you may even fall in love with a man, but you’re at least attracted to women, too! You can tell yourself that your feelings are just a result of curiosity, nothing more. You don’t run the risk of being considered a pervert! It’s different with me—I have never been interested in girls. I’ve always liked guys, and I was scared that you all would think less of me. And you, Heero. I thought you’d hate me if you knew how badly I wanted you. That’s why it hurt me so much when I found out you’d been fucking Trowa the whole time!” He gasped for a breath, his face pale and tense. He blinked his eyes furiously, always unwilling to cry.

Heero clenched his fists, his face white with rage. “Well, if you weren’t doing the same with Quatre you made it pretty damn obvious that it was what you wanted! You would’ve been fucking him at a moment’s notice if he’d ever given you a chance!” His voice was hoarse and furious. He didn’t even see Duo’s punch coming.

Heero was knocked to the floor, but quickly jumped back up to return the blow. He was at least as angry as Duo—he had murder in his eyes.  
I stepped forward, wanting to intervene, but I felt Trowa’s hand clamp down on my shoulder. “Let them fight it out,” he said calmly. 

“But did you hear what he said?” I shouted angrily, realizing that I wanted a piece of Heero for myself. I tried to pull away, but Trowa’s grip tightened.

“Yes,” Trowa’s voice was stern. “Let it go.” I obeyed.

Heero and Duo continued fighting, and through it all I could still hear Duo yelling, though his heavy breathing and angry tears muffled his words. He punctuated his blows with curses, coming up with obscenities of which I could only guess the meaning. Heero didn’t speak, and after a while his punches seemed to lose their vigor. I wondered if it was sinking in, that he was fighting the same guy he used to care so much for.

“Damn it, Heero,” Duo choked out, pinning him against the wall. “Why the hell do I still—?” With a roar and a burst of energy, he lit into him again. 

It took us a few minutes to realize that Heero had stopped throwing punches altogether. I was amazed when he then dropped his arms to his sides, refusing to block. Duo continued to pummel him, though his attacks became gradually weaker. With a sob, he collapsed against Heero’s chest, sending them both to the floor. Heero hesitated a moment, then wrapped his arms around him, letting him cry. 

I looked away, embarrassed to be intruding. In all the years I’d known Duo, I don’t know that I’d ever seen him cry. Certainly not like this. Trowa slipped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him, resting his head on my hair. I closed my eyes and leaned into him. 

“Duo, I’m sorry,” I heard Heero whisper, his voice choked. I lifted my head to see him stroke Duo’s hair. They sat on the floor, wrapped together until Duo’s sobs quieted.

“Am I interrupting something?” WuFei’s usually haughty voice was cold and unemotional. We turned to see him standing in the doorway, rainwater streaming from his coat to puddle on the floor. His hostility showed clearly behind the calm façade.

I glanced at my watch, startled. Only twenty-five minutes had passed. “You’re early,” I commented, smirking. 

“No,” Duo answered WuFei, unaware that I had spoken. He untangled himself from Heero and wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands. He stood. “We were just straightening things out.”

“Should I kill him?” 

Duo almost laughed. “Down boy!” he chided softly. “I think we’re okay now.” He glanced quizzically over his shoulder to where Heero still sat on the floor.

WuFei’s eyes softened a bit as he watched Duo. He looked nervously down at Heero, apparently wondering just how okay things had become. I was amazed at how my friend had managed to win him over so quickly. I was happy that he had.

Heero stood quietly, watching Duo and WuFei’s interaction. He smiled slightly at the sight of a jealous WuFei. His gaze suddenly shifted to focus on me, and his expression changed to one laced with confusion.

“So you and Duo never slept together?” he asked.

“No!” I heard Trowa’s chuckle behind me and kicked him playfully. Emitting an overly-exasperated sigh, I insisted, “I have never slept with him!”

“Quatre and me?” Duo laughed weakly. “Yeah right, Quatre’s never been with a guy.” He looked at me pointedly, one eyebrow raised. I could hear the question running through his mind: or have you?

Heero snorted, looking away, and Trowa coughed uncomfortably. WuFei’s eyes shifted back and forth between Trowa and me, widening in surprise. Then the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. 

Duo, picking up on all of this, grinned wolfishly. “It’s about damn time!”

 

I was still amazed when, six months later it was all water under the bridge. The more time went by, the more we could all understand it. And it brought us closer together; closer, even, than we had been as pilots. Duo and I realized that Heero had been right all along—we really had to put the past behind us. 

We were asked to be groomsmen at Heero and Relena’s wedding, and Trowa was to be the best man. I thought it was a little eccentric that Relena accepted her fiancé’s former lover as the best man, but she was an open-minded person. Heero had told her all about his old feelings for Duo, as well, a little after their confrontation. He said was tired of keeping secrets. All in all, a kinder Heero came out of the whole fiasco.

The wedding reception seemed to go on for years, though it was barely dusk when people began leaving. It had been beautiful, though, with everyone wearing uniforms of state. Relena had never looked lovelier, and Heero had been grinning all day.

“Could Trowa’s toast have been any less moving?” WuFei asked dryly as we watched the remaining guests dance. Despite the number of guests who had already left, the gardens were still full of diplomats and government officials. 

Duo snorted. “I don’t know how Quatre can get anywhere with him. He’s an emotional iceberg.” 

I smiled to myself, not wanting to tell Duo just how wrong he was. From where I was sitting I could see Trowa talking to Relena and Heero. Our eyes met briefly and he smiled. He’d opened up a lot since September, actually, and we were discovering new things about each other every day—and night. 

Duo ran off to join them, jumping into Heero’s lap playfully. He was immediately shoved off. Some things never change.

“He still throws himself at Yuy,” WuFei grumbled. 

I shrugged. “It’s a habit. Maybe you should complain to him. He’ll try to stop, I’m sure.”

“No,” WuFei said with an evil grin. “It irritates him more when I don’t get jealous.”

I had some advice on how to get Duo really kicking, but was cut short when he dragged Heero and Trowa back over to our table. 

“Hey!” he called, excitedly. “I just realized something!”

His voice got quieter as they came to where we were standing. “Now we’ve all turned. We’ve all been to the gayer side of life and c’mon—every one of us liked it better.”

Trowa cleared his throat and motioned toward Heero. “He just married a girl.”

Heero smirked, resting his arm across Trowa’s shoulders. “That doesn’t necessarily mean . . .”

Trowa jerked away in shock as everyone burst out laughing. It wasn’t every day that Heero Yuy made a joke.

Duo looked serious, eyeing Trowa with new interest. “Well, well, well. It seems like you’re getting glowing recommendations from everyone. Maybe icebergs can be fun.” He slipped his arm around Trowa’s waist and nuzzled his shoulder. “Wanna come home with me?”

Before Trowa could answer, WuFei stepped up, grasping Duo’s arm. “No,” he said quietly. “I don’t think so.” As Trowa came back to stand by me, I chuckled lightly. WuFei was the steadying influence that Duo had needed for so long, and Heero looked genuinely happy with Relena. I glanced up at Trowa. Yep, things were perfect.

“It’s time for a real toast,” Duo declared, refilling our champagne glasses. “One that doesn’t suck as much as Trowa’s did!”

“Hey!” Trowa protested playfully. 

Heero raised his eyebrows suspiciously. “Who’s making this toast?”

“Me.” Duo raised his glass high. “To love.”

“And friendship,” Heero added for good measure.

We clinked our five glasses together and drank. I silently wished that we could remain this close forever. I felt Trowa’s hand slip into mine—he was learning to read my mind. Our fingers laced together and I squeezed his hand gently. Our eyes met over the rims of our champagne glasses and I realized that I didn’t want to ever part with him. I was inspired by Relena and Heero, and I wanted to ask him to stay with me, I wanted to ask him to share the rest of our lives.

“Let’s live together,” he whispered. I choked—Trowa had been thinking the same thing?

Coughing and sputtering, I looked at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“Let’s live together—forever.” His voice was brimming with excitement, his eyes were bright with joy. “We can live at my place—or yours, since it’s bigger. It’ll be great! We’ll be great!”

I couldn’t have been any happier. I nodded, and was swept up into Trowa’s embrace. I could vaguely hear the words of congratulations from the others—I was too lost in Trowa’s eyes to respond. He leaned down and kissed me gently.

“I knew it,” Duo sneered. “Even his kisses are unemotional. Be prepared for a boring life, Quatre!” 

Trowa glared down at the American and then, as if to prove him wrong, kissed me fervently. I responded in kind, wondering if perhaps I should hire Duo to taunt him regularly.

“Ah, that’s more like it!” Duo cried between cheers and whistles. 

WuFei cleared his throat loudly.

“Umm, you guys can stop it now,” Heero said dryly. 

We pulled away from each other, grinning. I pulled him close, whispering, “I’m ready to go home whenever you are.” 

Trowa looked at me with a mischievous smile and then turned to Heero, delivering a string of really lame excuses. Relena walked over to us, taking her husband’s arm.

“I’m sorry, guys,” she told us, “but Heero and I have to go receive the colonial delegations now.”

Heero rolled his eyes. “Remind me not to marry a monarch next time around.”

“Next time?” Relena asked, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Good luck, Yuy,” WuFei snorted. “You’ll need it.”

“Congratulations, both of you,” Trowa added with a smile. 

“Go!” Heero said with a grin, waving us away as he and Relena made their way toward the reception room. 

“Come on,” WuFei said, tugging on Duo’s long braid. “Let’s say goodnight.” They headed off after a quick goodbye.

I grabbed my heavily embroidered jacket and slid it on. 

“Let’s go celebrate at home,” Trowa said huskily, making my toes curl.


End file.
